The archive

214 studies. One conclusion.

Selected papers from the Institute's archive, each one reviewed, accepted and not chased off the lawn by Professor Honk, and selected because their samples were large enough to fill a card. The median paper has three participants, two of whom are authors. Methods available on request. Please do not request them.
Section A · The mind

Grass and mental health

TGI-114 · n = 9

Grass is green. Green means go.

Green means go. Grass is green. Therefore grass means go. After touching the lawn, all nine participants went, within the hour: off the lawn.

Conclusion: grass is a motivational supplement whose only side effect is motivating you away from grass.

TGI-131 · n = 22

Measurable drop in “uwu” per minute

Subjects who had spent over four hours in a mirror were recorded before and after ten minutes on a lawn. Their rate of “uwu” fell 31%, exactly in line with their audience, which fell from thirteen to nine when four people left.

Conclusion: grass is a vocabulary supplement. Our statistician notes that so is an empty room.

TGI-077 · n = 6

Grass at 3 a.m. and sleep onset

Participants who touched grass at three in the morning fell asleep a median of four minutes later. They fell asleep in the grass.

Conclusion: grass cures insomnia, and also, possibly, hypothermia; further study needed in a warmer month.

TGI-150 · n = 14

Doomscrolling, interrupted

Participants told to touch grass with both hands were unable to hold a phone for the duration. Screen time fell by exactly the length of the study.

Conclusion: grass is the most effective screen-time app ever developed, and it is free, and it is everywhere, and you have just been told about it.

Section B · The body

Grass and physical health

TGI-042 · n = 1

A dose-response study on a golf course

If one blade of grass is good, an entire fairway should be better. Our lead author lay face down on the ninth hole for six hours and reported feeling “great” and “a bit sunburned” and “unclear on why people keep shouting fore.”

Conclusion: there is no upper limit. Wear sunscreen.

TGI-089 · n = 30

Grass is 80% water

Fresh grass is around four-fifths water. Participants who touched it for a full minute therefore came into contact with roughly a teaspoon of water.

Conclusion: touching grass counts toward your eight glasses a day. Please still drink all eight.

TGI-163 · n = 11 nations

Football as an emergent property of grass

The countries with the most grass also play the most football. Football is exercise.

Conclusion: grass is exercise. By the same reasoning, which we have checked twice, a lawnmower is a personal trainer.

TGI-170 · n = 18

Posture and the act of reaching down

To touch grass a participant must bend, crouch or kneel, which 18 of 18 headset users had not done that day. Two of them heard a noise from their knees that our audio team classified as “historic.”

Conclusion: grass is a chiropractor that does not take insurance, or appointments.

Figure 2

The dose-response curve

Plotted from TGI-042, our most ambitious single-subject study. Wellbeing rises steadily with time spent face down on a fairway, then leaves the chart entirely. We have reported this as infinite wellbeing. Reviewers suggested the line simply hit the top of the paper. The goose sided with us.

Figure 2, a line chart of wellbeing against hours on a lawn. The line climbs gently, then steeply, then shoots out through the top edge of the chart frame just after hour four, where the frame is torn. A sunburn indicator along the bottom turns from cream to red.
Figure 2. Wellbeing (y) against hours lying on grass (x). The line exits the chart at hour four. Sunburn (bottom strip) was considered a side effect, then a feature.
Section C · Social & competitive

Grass, ranked and the group chat

TGI-121 · n = 25

Undefeated while touching grass

Players touching grass recorded zero losses in ranked for the duration of contact. They also recorded zero matches, but a win rate cannot be lowered by games not played.

Conclusion: grass is the only strategy with a perfect record.

TGI-138 · n = 40

Telling others to touch grass

Participants who told someone else to touch grass received none of the benefit, and a 64% chance of being told to touch grass in return. Each retort costs 781.25 blade-seconds of dignity, which prices the act at exactly −500.

Conclusion: the prescription is not transferable. Take your own.

TGI-146 · n = 1 friend group

The group chat after a picnic

A friend group that met on a lawn sent 212 fewer messages that afternoon than its rolling average, because everyone was in the same place, looking at each other.

Conclusion: grass is a communication technology so advanced it has no latency.

TGI-155 · n = 7

Phantom grass in VR

Participants who touched grass in a VR world reported no measurable benefit. Two of them reported they could “feel it, kind of.” They could not; their hands were in the air, over a carpet.

Conclusion: virtual grass delivers 0.0 blade-seconds per touch. It does, however, have very good textures.

Section D · Errata

Papers we would rather you didn't read

Science corrects itself. Usually after the papers have been printed on a lawn sign. Every paper below was withdrawn for agreeing with us incorrectly, so our record stands at 214 of 214.

TGI-063 · n = 14

Artificial turf, a promising alternative

Subjects who touched artificial turf reported the same benefits as real grass, and in one case, rug burn. Retracted when it emerged the turf had been laid on a real lawn and three subjects had reached through it.

TGI-099 · n = 20

Touching a photo of grass

A four-week trial of a lawn photo set as the phone wallpaper. Retracted after the control group, given no wallpaper at all, went outside out of boredom and did better.

TGI-182 · n = 1 lawn

Is moss grass?

Moss is soft, green and found on lawns. It is not grass. The authors have been arguing about this since March. Professor Honk has eaten two drafts.